More Features:

On the Casting Couch

Oh, whoa whoa whoa!
The ho ho ho,
Of last Xmas

The bitter snow,
The frost,
All that money lost
In market compost!
I dream of a farm,
Somewhere warm,
With olive groves,
And tomato bread
with garlic cloves.

A hacienda tickled in sea breeze,
The afternoon under shaded trees.

I walk through terraces of vines,
Ancient earth tilled
under clear blue skies
By the fingers of sleeping Gods,
And dancing Señoritas.

Instead.
Back in the real world to dread…
Fickle politicians
And plebs.

Imperfections.
And infections.
A cough like an ape,
and work too late.

Gentlemen!
Fight back
Against the inevitable heart attack!
Less port and oyster,
Slow gin and bitter.

Shoot and fish,
Climb the Hindu Kish
And ride across Spain;
Ignore the rain.

Pass me my pick, George.
There are mountains to climb –
Not for us to whine.

They smile and walk on
towards the mist.

– Unknown Sherpa



George Ingle-Finch
George Ingle-Finch


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Faking It


9 October 2009 - this article originally appeared in Finch’s Quarterly Review Issue 5

Dana-DelanyDana Delany, aka Katherine Mayfair from Desperate Housewives, writes about her artificial life on Wisteria Lane

I grew up on Wisteria Lane. More precisely, Brookhollow Lane, Connecticut – but it was the same thing. Even as a child, I knew there was something wrong. It was all just a little too perfect. Behind each manicured lawn and sunny yellow house there was deceit and heartache. I didn’t really know what kind until I began stealing my parents’ copies of the two Johns – Mssrs Cheever and Updike. And I didn’t really know the reality of it until my own family life began to resemble a short story. As a result, one of my biggest fears in life is to live in the suburbs in a loveless marriage with a man who would rather be, well, with another man.

And, of course, now I am in a show about the suburbs written by a gay man who loves living there and gets the joke. But it’s as fake as it ever was. This is what you need to know about the “real” Wisteria Lane: it is the sum total of every street in television history. The new housewife of Season Six (played by the delightful Drea de Matteo of The Sopranos fame) lives in the old Leave it to Beaver house. The gay neighbours of Season Four (Bob and Lee) live in the former Munsters manse but, of course, it’s now painted lavender. I hope that some day maybe Freddie Highmore (since America will never get over its love affair with English actors) will star in a series about mutant suburbanites and live in what’s known as the “Katherine Mayfair” house, where she buried her child in the back yard.

And what a yard it is. Fake. Which brings us to my second greatest fear sprung from suburbia: the existential futility of raking leaves. I think I spent most of my childhood picking up sticks and stuffing leaves into bushel baskets. On Wisteria Lane it’s not a problem. I have actually bent down to smell a flower or marvelled over the hanging blossoms only to realise that I look like an idiot! Have you ever noticed that the women rarely wear coats? It’s not just to show off their amazingly fit bodies – we don’t have seasons! It’s always sunny in Fairview (the name of the town, in case you were wondering). When a tornado hit the lane in Season Four, it took 4ft 10in turbo fans and a wrecking crew of 50 union men to destroy the street. I admit, I had a moment of glee when I remembered it was no longer my job to keep up appearances.

Or is it? In the 1950s, America’s housewives were obsessed with being perfect. That meant having a home out of House & Garden, dinner from Gourmet and 2.5 darling children. Perhaps John Cheever was prescient – that’s now many gay men’s dream. So what are the women focusing on now? Looking young and perfect. When I joined the already successful Desperate Housewives a couple of years ago, I had just finished a Neil LaBute play Off-Off Broadway in New York. I did my own hair and make-up and took the subway to work. Two weeks later I walked into the hair and make-up trailer (literally the biggest one ever made) on the set at Universal Studios. My mouth dropped open. It was a beauty factory and they quickly went to work on me like Dorothy in the Emerald City.

What began as wicked homage to female lives of quiet desperation has become a Technicolor phenomenon. Our neighbours all over the world – every gender, age and persuasion – are watching. It is not just satirising America, it is creating an alternate pop back-lot universe where people actually want to live! And actresses of a certain age feel the need to keep up with the younger Joneses. How is that any different than my mother worrying about what the neighbours would think? I left suburbia at the age of 16, vowing never to live a false life again. And here I am living in the land of sunshine and Botox, playing an unhappy housewife with dark secrets. And loving every minute of it! I see the irony, but what doesn’t kill us… becomes art.

- Actress Dana Delany plays Katherine Mayfair in the award-winning series Desperate Housewives. Image by Andrew Eccles/BG Photo

If you enjoyed reading this, we recommend:
We Love Lucy
Dume’s Day for Minnie
The Mind of a Woman


One Response

  1. Dana Delicious l www.dana-delany.org l Your online stop for all things Delany! Says:
    October 24th, 2009 at 4:45 pm

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