Shared Privilege

Jeffrey Podolsky keeps up appearances on a budget across the Pond

Times are tough. Life isn’t easy. Especially here in New York, the epicentre of a monetary maelstrom. But, thank god, I have the good fortune of being among the still super-rich and privileged, despite my own impoverished circumstances.

It is no doubt a gift. Not from heaven, but of my own doing. It takes an infinite amount of seemingly effortless charm to be able to comfortably coexist among America’s elite without having quite the same pocketbook.

There are, naturally, some basic rules that apply to such a lifestyle in the States. Follow these simple guidelines and you too can enjoy the rich life – and not be nearly as prosperous yourself. After all, isn’t true bliss really about health, happiness… and prosperity, too? (Call me shallow, but admit it: you wouldn’t be perusing Finch’s Quarterly Review if you didn’t appreciate a dash of materialism.)

THE RULES

1. From the moment you’ve been hatched, your parents must enrol you in the finest, most exclusive schools, no matter what the cost (they must beg, borrow, obtain financial aid, even steal). The art of being well connected begins at birth. Never underestimate the domino effect. By age 13, you simply must find yourself at the most prestigious school in the country (viz Choate – in the US, at least). Ideally, your parents were raised with similar all-important values and know best. If not, transform yourself into an obnoxious teen so they’ll have no choice but for you to leave the nest. Assuming you lack the necessary grades, sports or other silly pursuits, attending the right school can still give you an unfair advantage over mere mortals. I mean, really, how else do you expect to find yourself at a chic college such as Brown?

2. Even as a toddler, make sure you befriend the right people. Never take lightly the importance of the beau monde – even if they’re three-year-olds. It is these contacts who will find you a job – whether it be in banking, hedge funds, law, film or journalism – and, perhaps most importantly, land you a well-connected wife. Preferably with a trust fund (super-Wasp, Park Avenue Jewish princess, Texan oil-rich heiress or a title). A title works wonders, especially in America (a European one, if possible. Even Bulgari, er, I mean, Bulgaria will do).

By now, you’re living the rich life, even though you yourself are downright cash poor (there are fewer and fewer heiresses, particularly in this economic age). Dividends will soon follow: you’ll find yourself an invariable guest, being asked to dinner parties and weekends in fabulous country homes. Your hosts can’t help but invite you onto their boat or private jet to reach the usual locales – Aspen, Mustique, St Barths, Thailand, the Maldives and a long weekend in Dubai (no longer than 72 hours. Vegas rules apply).

3. Your picture will be taken – even though you’re a man – mugging with your wife for the glossy magazines and for the internet (see, say, patrickmcmullan.com). Oh yes, make friends, but don’t be too cosy with a premier paparazzo. Of course it never hurts. Your children’s days of birth will be noted in the appropriate publication (the New York Post’s Page Six).

4. Needless to say, dress code is all-important, and from a young age – the right-cut Polo blazer, the perfect rumpled khakis, white shirt and rep tie from Brooks Brothers will do – the sort of thing that will carry you through puberty. Oh, and your shoes. They are arguably your most important sartorial item. You need: a great pair of lace-ups from Berluti (in changeable bespoke colours for the seasons); sockless boat shoes for summer trips; and some Gucci corduroy buckle loafers. Top it off with an Hermès (affectionately referred to as “the temple” of Madison Avenue) double-colour reversible belt (but never wear it with your Guccis).

Be clever: watch out for pre-sales, have salesmen alert you beforehand – and never miss the New York Hermès sale that takes place quietly twice a year. Take advantage of these frugal times and don’t be foolhardy: anything you lust after will be considerably cheaper in a month or so.

5. Membership to a very exclusive Wasp-y club such as The Union Club is a given (a right-minded mother should foot the initiation fee).

6. Having already gone to the right schools and become cosy with the “proper” people, you should by now be able to play tennis or golf, shoot, hunt, sail and ski reasonably well (good form excuses an “off day”). Not to mention being seen in good restaurants (say The Four Seasons for lunch and The Waverly Inn for dinner).

Nervous? Don’t be. When you live with the über-wealthy, always appear secure – and jovial. You must never show that you’re down, depressed or that your marriage is falling apart or that you have a girlfriend on the side. The rich simply don’t care to have unsporty, manic-depressive, fat people around them (or teetotallers). Keep up the appearance (remember that word) that all is good and fine. And therein lies the secret to success.

–Jeffrey Podolsky is Editor at Large of WSJ

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