Shmeissing
by Tom Stubbs9 March 2009 - Online exclusive
No doubt you lot are the dabbest of hands at spoiling yourselves, and aux fait with all manners of pampering. I wonder though, have you even been Shmeissed? For those that haven’t, I shall enlighten.
Much speculation surrounds the origins of the practice. It’s certainly a Jewish thing, but location wise some reports site Russia as its home, others Poland or Hungary. Let’s clear things up right now by asking Lee Balch, the only registered Shmeisser in the world.
“It originates from the East End of London. All this other talk is rubbish. There’s no shmeissing in the rest of Europe. It was created here. Yes, Jews brought the idea of working on each other in steam rooms, but what goes on in Russia is called Venik, and involved twigs and leaves,” says Balch. There are no twigs in this equation. A large feathery raffia brush and a tub of soap water, yes. Also a steam room heated to 55 degrees, towels, and a bench. But no foliage.
I got shmeissed and found it a most elevating new experience. First, one soaks ones feet in a tub of Epson salts while the powerful hands of Mr Balch massages your shoulders and back in no uncertain terms. Try if you like to not make and exclamation. “Jesus!” was my preferred cry. “You bring him up so early,” says Lee, lightly mocking and enjoying the reaction. Next you lie naked on a towel lined bench in the midst of the Russian steam room. The brush is loaded with soap and then masterfully used to flay the surface of the skin. Its flicks and licks away delivering a unique, pleasurable sensation. It’s also used like a giant shammy, working up and down the expanse of flesh with some force. Manipulation of the arms takes place above your head. You’re turned over from back to sides to front.
Lee is an imposing figure. A big lad who has served in the Israeli army and British Merchant navy. His grasp on your muscles is engaging. Yielding is the only option. His hands are clever with it too, and the whole experience is pretty mad. You have to go with it as you are lathered, manipulated and eased into a soft world of froth, silky friction and engulfing heat. The dry, spiky, normal world is a distant memory as the sensation of slurping suds and delightful cleanse consumes your senses. You get hosed down with cold water, then you jump in the freezing plunge pool. You’re done. Totally released from strung out tension, and with the feeling that you just did something totally indulgent and life affirming.
It’s not just an emotional freedom. The removal of lactic acid delivers very tangible feelings of physical well being. The motion of the brush with the heat releases all manner of endomorphins. It’s addictive. Perhaps that’s why gangs of shmeissers have been working each other in “you shmeisse my back, I’ll shmeisse yours” scenarios for donkeys years. The Shmeisse gangs meet regularly and form tight groups of friends.
My man Lee sees it as a fundamental element of civilisation. “The idea of people working on each other in a hot, sweaty, safe environment is as old as mankind. It’s intrinsic to our humanity. If you can be friendly with somebody and appreciate what they’re doing, it builds compatibility. Also, the ability to give a bath and to learn to take one. You need to know how to relax and let the heat wash over you. Treat the cold water as a friend.” Allowing yourself to enjoy this pleasure, a metaphor for life, perhaps? It’s also a brilliant way of releasing pent up tensions, which is why it has such loyal devotees.
The different crews on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday have different characteristics. Lee describes the weekday mobs as masters of their time, and not as frantic and berserk as the stressed laden weekenders. There is also a mixed sex session on Sunday afternoons, where Lee’s wife has first Shmeisse. Women get shmeissed but don’t have the stamina to deliver a bath for long themselves. The celebrity shmeisse disciples are numerous, but I feel no need to bang on about them. The whole gig down here is such a purely everyman thing. It’s very much a social thing and totally linked to the scene that encompasses the spa itself. The whole place is a brilliant way of balancing modern life with ancient practices and behaviours. Far from a run of the mill luxury experience, I petition you to try it. Take a satin foamy leap of faith. Lee calls it a heavenly car wash. There are other terms of endearment used. Perhaps you need to try and find your own. As Lee puts it,
“As a stranger you see this over whelming palazzo. Then a warren of steam rooms full of people who appear to have known each other since before they were born. And then you see me, a weird figure indeed,” Lee says, unleashing his big, rumbling chuckle. Shmeissing really is from another world. A warm, blissful energising one. Immerse yourself and come out brand new.
Contact the Spa on 020 7792 3980 for more information. Lee Balch can be reached on 07973 218211.
Spa opening times:
Daily: 10.00 – 22.00
Ladies: Tuesday, Thursday, Friday Sunday (until 4pm)
Men: Monday, Wednesday, Saturday
Couples: Sunday (4pm – 10pm)
2 Responses
Would you like to comment on this article?
You must be logged in to post a comment.
March 11th, 2009 at 4:44 am
A colleague at work came back to work on the Monday morning raving about the shmeisse she had experienced at the weekend. To cut a long story short, i found myself driving with my partner to Porchester spa that Sunday ‘couples day’ to go experience it for ourselves.
To put it bluntly, we were not disappointed. My friend had told me to ask for the masseuse Lee- the shmeisser. I had no real expectations other than a few fears, namely that i was about to walk into a world of sadomasachism with naked Russian men beating each other with sticks whilst sitting in ice cold water. Although it did occur to me that it would be rather strange of my work colleague to openly invite people from work to such an activity.
As it turns out, none of my preconceptions were true, all but one…the ice cold water- which turned out to be a luxurious plunge pool served as afters to the wonderful shmeisse that we had (very similar to the one described by the writer of the article).
Lee the Shmeisser gave us an experience to remember and one that we hope to repeat as many Sunday’s as possible. He has an old school charm about him, his voice alone seems to fit the ritual of calming the soul, ridding oneself of all the stresses accumulated in the week, the Shmeisse itself left my partner and i feeling as though we were not only ready to face the week ahead but actively embracing it. As lee put it, every time you find yourself counting down the minutes until you leave work, just remember that your actually wishing your life away…so enjoy the moment and stop counting!
This is exactly the sort of thing my partner and i had been looking for….i guess we are the ’stressed out weekend crowd’ the writer mentions- not for very long anyway..
On a side note, i thoughts that it might be worth mentioning that i was a little worried that i would have show more of myself at a spa than i was comfortable with, thankfully (sorry to all the nudists) but bathing suits are a must- blame it on my Britishness or maybe it’s just me but either way i was relieved.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Well, I have never been Schmeissed, but am not surprised it started in England. My grandfather, a very large, muscular and imposing Russian Jew (first job in the US was pulling barges down the river before he started the oil company), would take me to the baths after I reached age 13 in Bridgeport CT, USA. We would sit in a large Russian bath house, with a lot of old guys. There was a hot pool in the middle. I think we called the place a “schwitz” or some similar Yiddish word. We had buckets to fill with ice cold water which we poured over our heads. No luxurious plunge pools for real men. Then there was the guy with the eucolypus branches and salve who would hit you with the switch branches. It hurt They said it was good for the circulation. It also was like being beaten, and a real test of your manhood (after the cold water was poured on your head you needed some reassurance when looking down). Anyway, no mandy bandy sponging for the true schwitzer. I challenge you gentile Brits to a real schwitz. I am sure Lee knows where to find one!